When we talk about Mediation, Negotiation, and Conflict Management in general and in its widest sense, we face two main options of how to proceed and start our labour. The most common and broadest practiced concept is the one of getting as well prepared as possible, which may mean that we need to study as many conflict theories, conflict management strategies, and potential crisis de-escalation techniques as possible. This, obviously, is quite a task but worth its price if we wish to impress our colleagues with our knowledge.
Being well equipped with all available conflict theories, conflict management strategies, and potential crisis de-escalation techniques, we still missed one very crucial point, namely the skills that we need to analyze and understand the conflict properly. By understanding the conflict, I do not only refer to ourselves but also to make the parties understand their dispute, as this may turn out to be key for them to work towards a settlement.
We may find ourselves at a point where we genuinely need to question the concept that ought to prepare us for conflict counseling fully. Somehow, the list seems too long to me: A) We need to study all available skills of conflict analysis, B) We need to know all conflict theories to have an idea of the potential conflict dynamics that we may face during the mediation, C) We need to be able to put into practice, at least, the most common conflict management strategies in order to settle the dispute while we hope that our strategies match with the nature of the conflict, D) We need to be able to make use of an endless list of potential crisis de-escalation techniques that may help us maintain a non-harming environment for dialoguing.
If you feel overwhelmed and pretty helpless at this point, you are not alone, as I totally feel the same. So, the question is, what can be done, or better said, what is the other option of treating a conflict? When we talk about professionalism in conflict counseling, we should not misunderstand our task. First of all, we get in contact with real people, and therefore we need to be authentic, we shall create empathy, and we may set up an environment where dialogue can take place. As there is no mediation without dialogue.
In order to progress with our journey, I would like to ask you: What would you think about letting go? Namely to detach all these models, theories, dynamics, and strategies that you learned? Take your time, imagine such a setting, and try to identify how you might feel. Would you feel like you are unprepared, unequipped, and somehow not professional? Or would you say that being somehow professionally nude makes you feel uncomfortable?
So, let us go into this topic much deeper. Who, by the way, told you that you are naturally unequipped, and who told you that you need to study the above-mentioned horrific number of topics to be an effective professional? Maybe it is the general impact of institutes, colleges, and universities that make you believe that they offer the solution to all our challenges in life. Please do not get me wrong. We are talking about a field within the theme of social science, and I simply believe that before you are able to appreciate or evaluate the content of such educational authorities, you need to take some preliminary steps, and this is what we are targeting.
It is my belief that first of all, you need to commence a journey with a unique destination, which I will not communicate right now but a bit later, and yes – maybe you will be able to name it by yourself. So, in order to get started, I kindly ask you to detach mentally once again from everything that you heard of or learned so far. Just free your mind, detach, let go, and leave things behind.
The question is, what you can see and find right now being rid of all this professional and conceptual luggage? Open your eyes and see, identify, and evaluate – but do not only look in an external way but also in an internal way. So, what you see, first of all, is yourself. You, being here, at this point in your life, in this specific spot, and at this very private level of your personal development.
So, see what your status of being unconscious veiled from you, and learn from what your status of being conscious now teaches you. The question is, who are you, where do you come from, and what do you bring with you? This is a simple example of a set of questions that breaks you free by offering you information about yourself. All you are going to work with is the set of A) the experiences that you gathered in your life, B) the social competencies that you obtained and that you developed up to a certain level, and finally, C) the social skills that you learned within the environment where you received your initial education, namely in your family, with your friends, and in your neighborhood.
See, listen, and understand – that these are the features that make you unique, and this is the starting point for critical thinking. Everything in life can be questioned, and it has an impact on the environment, as everything in life is interconnected and follows the rules of action and reaction. Now that you have learned about the initial starting point of discovering yourself, you will also understand that once you know who you are, you will be able to understand the interlinkages of life and the impact that our actions and reactions have. Being conscious about that, you are now free to break this rule up, and to become a change-maker.
Now that you have started the journey towards your inner self by questioning who you are and who or what made you be yourself today, you will see that once you understand and dominate the power of these questions, you do not need a waste quantity of techniques, strategies, and models. Once you know and understand who you are, you will find peace inside yourself. This specific peace or status quo will be guarded in your inner center, where your empty mind and nothingness reign. This is where your journey ought to lead you to, namely to your inner core, from where all your actions and questions may be born. Being conscious regarding the empty mind and nothingness, enables you to professionally go into the mediation setting and to place the proper questions. Learn to work with the questions that are born out of your nothingness and empty mind, focus on the content delivered by the parties, exclude assumptions and keep the mediation setting clean and transparent.
This is correspondingly the setting that you can adopt to all conflict situations, settings, and environments. Act or work from your inner centre in a way that you now know everything about yourself but nothing at all about the rest of the world. Now, you are free, able, and entitled to work from the core, showing you that all situations in life, including our mediative dialoguing, is based on an inner logic. You simply have to ask yourself what is required, what is expected, and what shall I do? All these questions will now guide you the way to be a mindful mediator, a conflict counselor who works from the inner core, following a situation’s inner logic, having an empty mind, and being a change-maker by creating a new and more peaceful reality. Put trust in yourself, as you are key to all your questions, answers, and the new and more peaceful reality that you can build.
Thank you for your attention, and I kindly ask you to practice Deep Listening, Critical Thinking, and Wise Speaking. The world needs people like you.
I find this article quite philosophical and insightful. Indeed, how can you help others find peace without first being at peace with yourself and who you are? What we learn are strategies, and how we apply them determines the results we get in our practice as mediators. Maybe the desire and the obligation to act, look, and feel professional rips out the confidence we ought to have in ourselves.
I will remember to practice deep listening, critical thinking, and wise speaking all together.
Very insightful read, I particularly enjoyed your point of approaching mediation with an “empty mind”. Sometimes preconceived strategies can limit our approach and openness to novel ideas. Not only does this framework promote the neutrality mediators strive for, but also frames the process as a ‘living art’ we are constantly developing within ourselves.